Often, when wanting to help other people who are experiencing a sudden bereavement, people may not know what to say or do. For fear of saying the wrong thing, or making things worse, some people may opt to say or do nothing at all. Yet even small amounts of help can be valuable, however insignificant they may seem, as long as basic principles are followed. Here, we examine some of the things that people supporting recently bereaved people can do to help, whether it is someone in your family, a friend, a colleague or a neighbour.

1. Listen to their story

Allow them to tell their bereavement story and listen patiently and carefully to what they have to say about the events. Give them all the time that they need to do it, remembering that a range of reactions to sudden death is entirely normal. Try not to talk about your own bereavements, even if you feel you are sympathising. The important thing is to listen to what they are telling you. Resist saying, “you will feel better soon”. To the bereaved person, that can feel as though you are trivialising their loss and diminishing the magnitude of their feelings. All bereavements take time, and in circumstances where a death has been sudden and shocking, it can take even longer.

2. Ask open-ended questions

Ask open-ended questions, particularly relating to their health, wellbeing, and immediate safety. Listening to the answers to these questions will help you provide, or find, the right help for them. For example, rather than asking them ‘Have you got someone to talk to?’ to which they could say yes or no, neither of which gives you much information to go on, ask them instead “Who are you talking to this week who can also help you?”. Their answer to that question should enable you to ask follow up questions, such as “How are they giving you a hand?”

Asking them what shopping they need, and what household or administrative tasks need taking care of, will give you a better idea if they are coping with the practical elements of life or if they need help. Are there any basic tasks they could ask you or others to do? Even things such as making a meal, taking a dog for a walk or mowing a lawn, all helps and shows compassion.

3. Encourage them to seek help

Tell them about Sudden and let them know that a specialist caseworker can provide them with free and confidential support. Sudden’s caseworkers offer a listening ear to help suddenly bereaved people feel safe and supported. They can connect them with other organisations in the local community to get them the best possible support, according to their needs, and provide hands-on help with practical matters, such as understanding wills or post-mortem examinations, organising memorials or funerals, or simply stopping junk mail from arriving.

4. Look for signs of serious risk  

Undertaking basic tasks may enable you to notice warning signs of much more serious problems. If you are concerned about the safety or welfare of a bereaved person, it’s essential to stay calm and seek the right help.

Some bereaved people may be struggling for money, or even adequate housing, or be ill or not eating. You may suspect they are self-abusing, possibly through alcohol, drugs, self-harming, or starvation.Or you may feel they are experiencing suicidal thoughts.

If you think that the person is in immediate danger, always dial 999. If the risk isn’t immediate, you can seek help from Sudden about what to do next.  After the early weeks following a sudden bereavement, there are symptoms to look out for that may suggest that additional help is needed, for example with mental health.

5. Look after yourself

It’s important to remember your own self-care when you’re supporting someone who has been recently bereaved, particularly if you have been affected by the death too. Helping someone can also bring back difficult memories of personal experiences from a long time ago, too. With that in mind, offer help you can reasonably give – don’t overpromise. Consider who can support you too, if you need it. It can help to prepare a self-care plan that includes doing your favourite things, whether that’s listening to music, cooking, exercising, or reading. Take time to be with others who you love.

If you, or someone you know, has experienced sudden bereavement, Sudden can help. Call us on 0800 2600 400 or contact us at help@sudden.org and we’ll arrange for a dedicated caseworker to call you back. We help from day one, onwards, for the first ten weeks of bereavement, when people are often in extreme need of care and support, suffering from shock and huge change in their lives.